Yesterday Julie and I picked Jacob up from school, and all the questions I asked him were answered with one word or less. The Or less would be a shrug and a ummmhhhh. In other words, MOM STOP WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS. I told him that so many things about him are important to me, and I need to know. You can imagine the look that got me.
I was thinking about his childhood and his future, and trying to see myself as he sees me. Yes well, I won't get too descriptive about what he might see. I'm sure it's not a pretty picture. I know he wishes that I would just tamp down on the curiosity concerning his senior goodbye speech for FFA. He tells me he has it covered, just not written. I told him I want the plaque with his speech on it, and he told me not to worry, I'd get the plaque. He is sick to death of me reminding him that his grades are important, and he really does not want to discuss life at NMSU, and his behavior at the number one party school in NM. When he lowers himself to answering me, it's always with the following, "Don't worry mom. I'll be fine." I know that...sort of.
After our non-discussion about school, speeches and grades yesterday, he came into the house ahead of me, and just casually dropped his cap and gown package on my desk chair. He didn't even tell me that he had them. Oh sure, it's no big deal really. Other than to slam it home to my heart that this graduation of my youngest child is really going to happen, and in only a couple of weeks. I just picked it up and held it, and thought of when I first held him in my arms 18 years ago, and never saw myself looking at an 18 year old, ready to graduate, move away from home, and be a person without me.
I went through this emotional roller coaster with Sarah and Julie too, but with Sarah, I knew I still had Julie and Jacob at home. With Julie, I still had Jacob, but with Jacob....what? who? Yes, I will have my little buddy Greyson, but he's Julie and Dom's. Maybe they will remember to invite me to all the special events. I guess the question that begs an answer is: Who will I be now? My kids are grown. Who will I be now? My kids can make their own choices and mistakes. Who will I be now? They have their own jobs, their own ideas, their own lives. Who will I be now?
Jacob eventually wander back into the den, and I said, "Oh sure, you just drop this package on my chair like it's no big deal." He just smiled at me, opened the package and put on his cap and gown. It's hard to swallow around that boulder sitting in my throat. He said, "Hey mom, you still have Sarah and Julie's caps and gowns right?" Yes. "We should all put them on, and you can take a picture of all your graduates." My heart should just shatter too, but he's right, I would love a picture of the three of them together in their caps and gowns. They all three accomplished what I never did. I'm proud of them.
Who am I now? I'm their mom. I will always be their mom. I haven't lost my identity, I've just added more accomplishments to my mom resume. Babyhood for three babies, done. Toddlerhood for three toddlers, done. Adolescents for three adolescents, done. Teenage agony for three teenagers, almost done. Adulthood for three adults, in progress. Motherhood, never ending.
So in all his casualness, his lack of response to my millions of questions, his "I've got it covered", and so on, I know he really loves me, and I know he will be okay. Sarah is a success, Julie is too, so why should I worry?
And ready or not, life goes on.
Cretia
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