You Sound Northern

It always amuses me when someone says to me, "You have such a way with words and expressing things, would you write........for me?"  Oh sure, I can write chapters and chapters of words and expressions ~ if you do, or say something that I think is dumb.  Sarcasm flows directly from brain to fingers, and my fingers are flying across the keyboard.  But to write something intelligent, something meaningful, something deep, something profound....NOPE, don't ask me.

 My brain cramps up, the signal to my fingers makes them freeze just millimeters from the keyboard.  Tell me something like....."You don't have an accent like I thought you would.  You sound Northern." I will be chowing down on wall paper paste, and my fingers will be flying across the keyboard, because, because, because,  "What do you mean I sound northern?"  I meant to say chowing down on wall paper paste, because my friend who told me I sound northern said grits taste like wallpaper paste. Yes, she said that, even though she has never eaten wall paper paste.  Me either, but I know grits are much, much better than wall paper paste.  I know that because I am NOT northern.  Grits are the glue that hold a southerner together while they wallpaper their entire house, and line their cupboards with the leftover paper.

 See what I mean?  Nothing intelligent, meaningful, deep or profound about what I just wrote, but boy can I write sarcasm.  I did not just say, "Man, this wallpaper paste sure tastes a lot like grits. Maybe I'll put some sugar on it."  Oh...now that's a new chapter in the book of sarcasm.  Sugar and grits should not cohabitate in the same bowl.  Cheese and grits in the same bowl.  That's fine and dandy.  Cheese, grits, a little bacon grease for flavor if real butter is not available...fine and dandy.  NO SUGAR allowed with grits.  Only someone who sounds like a northerner would do such a thing.