Appreciate it More

Today after an especially difficult day of being an adult, I was reminiscing about my childhood, and I realized I should have appreciated it more.  We don't do that though, because we are always looking at the next step, the next experience, the next phase as the one we will enjoy the most.  

When I was a child, I thought being a teenager was the end all.  Then I was a teenager and I thought being an adult was the cat's meow.  Then I was an adult and I thought marriage and children was where it was at.  Then I was married, and had children, and I thought retirement and an empty nest would be perfection, because marriage and children is just some hard stuff.  

What I didn't know to appreciate about my childhood was the easiness of what I thought was so hard.  I didn't appreciate my three younger cousins who bounded into my house on a Saturday morning.  I didn't appreciate their eagerness to spend time with me. I didn't appreciate hearing my mom say, "Go wake her up, she won't mind." I didn't appreciate hearing three sets of pounding feet, and little voices calling, "Dee Da, wake up!  Come ride bikes with us." I didn't appreciate the novelty of roller skates, and skate keys around my neck on a string.  I didn't appreciate the freedom of hopping on a bike and riding in the big barn.  I didn't appreciate the moment of childhood.

I loved skating and riding bikes, and making mud pies.  I loved reading Sam the Mouse and Joe the Bear, and Little Miss Suzy, and Professor Diggins Dragon.  I loved playing with my cousins, and swimming on hot summer days.  I loved all of that, I just didn't appreciate it like I should have, because I didn't know to appreciate it.

I didn't appreciate my childhood, my teenage years, my early years of marriage, and having children as much as I should have, because I didn't know that middle age, and failing health, and aging parents, and aunts and uncles, would mean making very tough decisions.  How could I know?  They were strong, I was young, and we were all busy living life, not appreciating the moments.

Today, today I am learning to appreciate the moments, and to be thankful for the memories of what was, because those moments that I didn't know how to appreciate are what has made me strong enough for today.  I don't feel strong enough for todays moments.  In fact, I feel so very weak.  

I don't like hearing things like, advanced directives, be prepared, be realistic, home health care, assisted living, nursing homes and hospice.  I don't like hearing about them, I don't like thinking about them, I don't like talking about them, I don't like explaining them. I don't like the moments of today!  Like it or not, here I am.

I found myself saying, in all selfishness and self pity....why me?  I then realized I should be asking, why him?  It's not about me.  It's not about how weak, or how sad, or how angry, or how unfair I feel it all is.  It's about how it is for Uncle Albert.  It's about his care, his comfort, his dignity.  It's about helping him deal with what is in the moment for him. 

So, I thought of roller skates, and skate keys, and bikes, and summer time, and all the joys of childhood, and now after all these years, I can appreciate what my childhood was.  Maybe, just maybe, ten years from now I will look back at what this time in my life was, and appreciate the experience, and the lessons learned. Maybe.....